I accept a last-minute assignment from headquarters that sounds like the kind of thing that will inch me one step closer to fame. Something about Panasonic and software and recording my lovely female American voice. I didn't really need to hear any more.

[MEET MR. KADO AT SHINAGAWA SEASIDE STATION AT 10:30 AM. WEAR BUSINESS CLOTHES AND DON'T BE LATE]

It's 10:40, and Zach and I are standing in the station watching the babies go by. The strollers are out in force, but there's no Mr. Kado to be seen. Finally at around 10:45, a short young guy shows up who appears to have just rolled out of bed and fallen into a business suit.

So much for Japanese punctuality.

We spend the next fifteen minutes following a flustered and squirrely Mr. Kado (nicknamed "JohnJohn") through the Shinagawa business district as he turns his photocopied map around and around in his hands.

There are signs with area maps on every corner. JohnJohn needs to chill out.

...

We arrive in the cavernous lobby of the Panasonic building and are greeted by three receptionists in matching yellow plaid outfits.

I cannot for the life of me figure out how to attach my visitor tag to my suitjacket. Zach helps me just in time so that my awkwardness will not be spotted by the two salarymen who have just walked into the lobby.

Between Mr. Kado and the two strangers, a flurry of bowing and business cards. They take each others' cards with both hands and continue to hold them like treasured objects. The two men turn to me.

"Hi, I'm Christine. Nice to meet you." I take the business cards in both hands like Mr. Kado had done, then instinctually go for the handshake. But my hands are full, so I switch the cards to one hand and weakly shake with the other. And now they're bowing at me and "yoroshiku onegaishimasu" so am I supposed to bow back? Not wanting to offend, I give it a shot, but only manage to spasm above the shoulders.

I'm not the bowing type.

...

We're in the elevator. Total silence. I'm fighting the snort with every fiber of my being.
"Don'tlaughdon'tlaughdon'tlaughJesusChristdon'tyoudarelaughChristine."
From the looks of him, Zach seems to be going through the same mental process.

We make it to the seventh floor, go through a futuristic security door, and are led into a conference room at the end of the hall. On the table is a laptop and a headset. JohnJohn stands there like an idiot, staring into space, while the two men give us instructions in Japanese. We're going to go into separate rooms, each with a computer, and read sports terms into a microphone. Easy enough.

Occasionally in one's life, there are moments when one takes a step back and says to oneself, "What the hell is going on?"
I'm now sitting at a table next to a nerdy Japanese man in a suit, who is taking notes while I say "Red Card...Yellow Card...Push Pass...Indirect Free Kick..." The computer program is showing a video of Paris for some reason, and the second hand of the clock on the wall is wiggling but not going anywhere.

...

We're almost done. I have recited somewhere around 1,100 terms into the computer, most of which I've never heard in my life. In the meantime, our friend JohnJohn has vanished. Zach comes into the room, already finished, and I start to re-record a few words that hadn't come out right.
But I'm soon interrupted by the sudden onslaught of a bizarre song blasting out of every loudspeaker in the building at the stroke of 1:00.

"Oh, they always play that at 1:00. We sing the company song when we get back from lunch every day."

Zach and I just look at each other.

...

I try to make it out of the building without having to bow again. Doesn't work. The two men go through all the formalities all over again, and see us off by standing there in the lobby side-by-side, straight-backed and serious, bowing intermittently. Zach and I walk through the giant double glass door into the sunlight, and immediately lose it.

After we had walked and laughed for about fifty feet, Zach asks "Do you think they're still standing there?"
I turn around to look.

The salarymen are still standing there, in the same exact position. They see me looking at them, and simultaneously bow in response.

Oh, Japan.