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I got a random-ass call today from headquarters, saying that they want my picture to be on posters for our company's next national ad campaign. Apparently they picked me out of all the female teachers in the region. Of course I agreed. So they're pulling me out of work on Sunday to do a photo shoot in Tokyo.
WTF.
Wednesday, November 29, 2006
Sunday, November 26, 2006
Great Moments in English Teaching:
Noticing that Toyo had a bandage on his hand:
Me: "Hey, Toyo, what happened to your hand?"
Toyo: "I have an artificial arm from a traffic accident in college."
Me: "...Oh."
Why I never noticed this, and secondly why he had BANDAGES on a FAKE HAND is beyond me.
Takashi: "My granddaughter, she has mumps. Hahahahahaha."
Me: "Takashi, did anyone ever tell you that you have a tendency to laugh inappropriately?"
Takashi: "HAHAHAHAHA."
This came after weeks of Takashi laughing about his visiting his father's grave, his tennis elbow, natural disasters, etc.
Me: "Did you get along with your parents when you were little?"
Kazue: "My father used to hit me with a kendo sword."
Noticing that Toyo had a bandage on his hand:
Me: "Hey, Toyo, what happened to your hand?"
Toyo: "I have an artificial arm from a traffic accident in college."
Me: "...Oh."
Why I never noticed this, and secondly why he had BANDAGES on a FAKE HAND is beyond me.
Takashi: "My granddaughter, she has mumps. Hahahahahaha."
Me: "Takashi, did anyone ever tell you that you have a tendency to laugh inappropriately?"
Takashi: "HAHAHAHAHA."
This came after weeks of Takashi laughing about his visiting his father's grave, his tennis elbow, natural disasters, etc.
Me: "Did you get along with your parents when you were little?"
Kazue: "My father used to hit me with a kendo sword."
Thursday, November 02, 2006
I teach English to Japanese kids.
Hearing this, you might assume I stand in front of a classroom, facing neat rows of desks. At each desk sits an attentive Asian child holding a book, in awe of the American and eager to learn from her.
Nope.
It's a freakin' zoo. I sit on the floor of a small unfurnished room, yelling "sit down" to kids who aren't listening because they're too busy hitting each other.
The conclusion I've arrived at is that Japanese kids have issues. Not that I ever really spent any time with kids before I came here...
Here are some examples of what I deal with on Mondays and Tuesdays:
* Takumi was humping Kazuki from behind today, apparently out of happiness that I had paired them up together.
* Tatsuya makes at least one reference to "hip gas" every class, and more if he can find anything in the lesson that is vaguely reminiscent of things coming out of the asses of animals or people. Lately, it's progressed to Supaa Hippu Gas, and occasionally Ultra Hippu Gas.
* Tatsuya also likes to punch Akinobu in the crotch, which causes Akinobu to rub himself for the next five minutes while moaning "itaiiii" repeatedly.
* Hirokazu didn't have a name for his fish during the Pets lesson, so he named him Hirokazu 2 Fish.
* When I let the eight-year-olds play a lame little game of balloon volleyball, they literally screamed with excitement the whole time. I don't think they get out much.
* Ryoga's three favorite things to do: put his face two inches from mine and make a funny face, put his face two inches from mine and scream as loud as he can, and hit me with found objects.
* I taught the kids the word "hug" the other day. What happened next made me a little uncomfortable.
* Miku tags "okay baby!" onto the end of almost every English sentence. It's just what she does.
* Every time I say "What are these?" to the class, Hiroya echoes me with "Wasabiiiis!"
* I had to beg Aoi to stop wiggling her loose tooth. I'm not at the point yet where I can accept teeth jumping out of mouths when I'm the supervising adult.
* Takumi and Kazuki like to put balls in their shirts and strut around like women (well, their versions of women).
* One of my eight-year-olds has RANK feet, and I highly suspect that it's Akinobu. After class, I was able to communicate this to the staff in Japanese "Heya no naka ni ashi no niyoi ga aru no! Oide. Kusai, ne?" ("The room smells like feet. Come in here. Doesn't it reek?") So I opened the window, and the very next class someone threw a ball out of it (seven stories). That was the end of that.
* Kazuki's "ghost" costume looked strikingly like a Klan outfit.
* I sing the ABC song every week in the four-year-olds' class, dancing and having a great time with it, and every class they sing their hearts out with me...while standing perfectly straight and still and staring at the wall. It's kinda spooky.
* None of the kids in any age group are able to remember or say the word "Christine," so they all call me "Teeechaaa" (okay, it's kinda cute).
* And finally, there's the babies-and-moms class. Five kids, between 1.5 and 3 years old, who follow a set pattern of behavior. Hiromi detaches herself from her mom and dances and sings (well, yells stuff that kinda vaguely sounds like the song) right up in my face. Toshiki smiles at me and jumps up and down continuously. Mikoto looks dazed and uninterested, and wanders around the classroom touching everything. Kazuya either lies on the floor whining and kicking, or stares at me with contempt. And Maika just clings to her mom, barely old enough to do anything but shit herself.
I, of course, keep on dancing.
This is my life.
Hearing this, you might assume I stand in front of a classroom, facing neat rows of desks. At each desk sits an attentive Asian child holding a book, in awe of the American and eager to learn from her.
Nope.
It's a freakin' zoo. I sit on the floor of a small unfurnished room, yelling "sit down" to kids who aren't listening because they're too busy hitting each other.
The conclusion I've arrived at is that Japanese kids have issues. Not that I ever really spent any time with kids before I came here...
Here are some examples of what I deal with on Mondays and Tuesdays:
* Takumi was humping Kazuki from behind today, apparently out of happiness that I had paired them up together.
* Tatsuya makes at least one reference to "hip gas" every class, and more if he can find anything in the lesson that is vaguely reminiscent of things coming out of the asses of animals or people. Lately, it's progressed to Supaa Hippu Gas, and occasionally Ultra Hippu Gas.
* Tatsuya also likes to punch Akinobu in the crotch, which causes Akinobu to rub himself for the next five minutes while moaning "itaiiii" repeatedly.
* Hirokazu didn't have a name for his fish during the Pets lesson, so he named him Hirokazu 2 Fish.
* When I let the eight-year-olds play a lame little game of balloon volleyball, they literally screamed with excitement the whole time. I don't think they get out much.
* Ryoga's three favorite things to do: put his face two inches from mine and make a funny face, put his face two inches from mine and scream as loud as he can, and hit me with found objects.
* I taught the kids the word "hug" the other day. What happened next made me a little uncomfortable.
* Miku tags "okay baby!" onto the end of almost every English sentence. It's just what she does.
* Every time I say "What are these?" to the class, Hiroya echoes me with "Wasabiiiis!"
* I had to beg Aoi to stop wiggling her loose tooth. I'm not at the point yet where I can accept teeth jumping out of mouths when I'm the supervising adult.
* Takumi and Kazuki like to put balls in their shirts and strut around like women (well, their versions of women).
* One of my eight-year-olds has RANK feet, and I highly suspect that it's Akinobu. After class, I was able to communicate this to the staff in Japanese "Heya no naka ni ashi no niyoi ga aru no! Oide. Kusai, ne?" ("The room smells like feet. Come in here. Doesn't it reek?") So I opened the window, and the very next class someone threw a ball out of it (seven stories). That was the end of that.
* Kazuki's "ghost" costume looked strikingly like a Klan outfit.
* I sing the ABC song every week in the four-year-olds' class, dancing and having a great time with it, and every class they sing their hearts out with me...while standing perfectly straight and still and staring at the wall. It's kinda spooky.
* None of the kids in any age group are able to remember or say the word "Christine," so they all call me "Teeechaaa" (okay, it's kinda cute).
* And finally, there's the babies-and-moms class. Five kids, between 1.5 and 3 years old, who follow a set pattern of behavior. Hiromi detaches herself from her mom and dances and sings (well, yells stuff that kinda vaguely sounds like the song) right up in my face. Toshiki smiles at me and jumps up and down continuously. Mikoto looks dazed and uninterested, and wanders around the classroom touching everything. Kazuya either lies on the floor whining and kicking, or stares at me with contempt. And Maika just clings to her mom, barely old enough to do anything but shit herself.
I, of course, keep on dancing.
This is my life.
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